


Don't Shoot (Me Down)

by SpaceAqueerious



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crime, Angst, Asra is a jerk, Brief suicidal thoughts, Heartbreak, Julian is sad, Love Triangles, Mentioned Asra/Apprentice - Freeform, Other, Shooting, Swearing, but he will be okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 10:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28544070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpaceAqueerious/pseuds/SpaceAqueerious
Summary: Julian and Asra have a standoff where the former learns some uncomfortable truths.
Relationships: Asra/Julian Devorak
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Don't Shoot (Me Down)

"Don't." Silence. "...Asra, don't shoot, please."

_Click._

"A-Asra! _Jesus_ —!"

Cold, violet eyes stared back at him. Asra's trembling grip on the revolver was the only tell betraying his resolve.

"God, what... what's gotten into you? Why all this? Never mind that you set me up, put that thing away, for Christ's sake!"

Asra's first words to him offered no comfort. "Ilya, you only have yourself to blame for this. I can't believe you didn't think twice about that 'tip' that there would be a shipment for a rare art collection at this time of night. It serves you right."

"That's not what matters here and you know it." Julian's emotions were a mess of fear, heartbreak, and confusion all at once, and it showed in the quiver in his voice. "Why are you pointing a gun at me? At _me_?"

"You shot one of my men a couple weeks ago—"

"They shot at me first, what did you expect me to do? Not defend myself?"

"Well, now you've gone and done it! The higher-ups have upped your threat-level classification and we are to use lethal force with you. If you so much as move, I will shoot; it will look suspicious if I don't. This is the end of the line, Ilya. Backup is on their way as we speak, it won't be long now."

"How could you do this to me? We..." He dragged in a shaky breath. "I thought—"

"You thought wrong."

No, that wasn't right. Warm, summer mornings spent chasing a few more minutes of sleep while wrapped in each others' arms said otherwise. The promises that Asra would bring him in to answer for his crimes someday that went unfulfilled, those carried the truth. Lies that this time he visited Julian would be the last, that there would be no more stolen kisses or passionate nights at Julian's hideout always fell on deaf ears. Could he be blamed if Asra proved himself wrong every time he appeared at Julian's doorstep? Asra's words were just his latest attempt to deny what they both knew: they couldn't stay away from each other. No matter how taboo their relationship was, no matter what society would think, the gravitational pull they had on each other could not be ignored. It was unmatched.

"I've let you run long enough." Asra's voice softened. "Come quietly. Cooperate. It's time to face the music."

"I can't do that, Asra. You know this."

"You don't have a choice!" The volume of his voice startled Julian. "Ilya, you killed a member of law enforcement. If it were anyone else here but me, you would be dead already!"

"But it is you." Julian's head had hung low as he held wobbly arms up in surrender, but he looked up at Asra tenderly now. "It's just you and I here right now. Nobody else to judge you, to judge us, so you can tell the truth." He knew he should have been negotiating with Asra to let him go, but something told him they needed to have this conversation now. Gingerly, he took a step forward.

_Bam!_

" _Shit!_ " Julian hopped back after the bullet narrowly missed his toes. Before he could react further, he heard the sound of Asra pulling back the hammer again. "Are you serious?!"

"Deadly serious." Asra relaxed his grip to flex his fingers and readjust, holding the firearm tighter. "I told you what would happen if you moved. Next time, I won't miss."

Julian no longer cared what he looked like and stared directly at the man in front of him as the tears started to fall. "I can't believe you're acting like this with me. You must know I would _never_ do anything to hurt you; I love you." Asra's eyes bore into him, but he gave no other response. "Tell me. Look me in the eye and tell me that I was wrong about us. That you don't love me."

Asra glanced to the side, lowering his weapon a little in his frustration. "Enough. I will not listen to your delusions."

"Delusions?" Julian's attempt to repeat the word only came out as a strangled sound. But he pressed on. "I said look me in the eye and do it." Asra's eyes flickered back to him. "Say it!"

It was only a moment of silence, but it felt like an eternity. Asra dropped his arm fully and screwed his eyes shut. A glimmer of hope buried itself within Julian's heart and gave him the strength to keep his eyes trained on him. "You can't, can you?"

He didn't know what had spawned this latest episode of Asra pushing him away, but Julian wouldn't give up on him. Not when he knew Asra's deepest fear was being alone, never being loved. Julian needed him, and Asra needed him just as much; he'd made Julian promise to never leave no matter how bad it got or how much Asra tried to push him away. Julian meant it when he obliged, and this was just another moment where he'd have to prove it. If Asra could just hold on, give him a little more time, Julian would have enough saved up for them to fulfill their promise to each other. They would run away from it all and travel the world, satisfying Asra's wanderlust and Julian's yearning for the sea. When Asra finally returned his gaze, he saw the familiar fear and want he frequently looked at Julian with. He sometimes looked at Julian like he was his lifeline, and Julian was willing to be that for him. If he'd only let him, he could be that for him.

"I don't love you." In an instant, the man before him became a stranger. "I never did."

Julian's arms dropped to his sides lifelessly as his vision blurred. His knees lost their strength, and he sank to the earth. He really said it. Why was he lying? Asra may have been stubborn, but he was never this stubborn; this was a line even he wouldn't cross... right? Or was he truly mistaken about him? When the thought crossed his mind, he became numb to the gravel digging into his knees and the freezing wind stinging his eyes.

A long, painful silence stretched between them before Julian spoke his next words. "Is it her?" he croaked, distant gaze focused nowhere in particular.

"Don't bring her into this. She has nothing—"

Julian laughed mirthlessly. "My darling, she has everything to do with this, doesn't she?" He'd thought nothing of it when Asra first introduced him to the rookie detective he started mentoring. Their relationship seemed less complicated back then, back when Julian's face wasn't plastered in all the newspapers as a wanted criminal and his identity wasn't known yet. He was ecstatic that Asra thought enough of him to start introducing him to the people in his life. She and Julian got along quite well, and he began to look forward to swapping tall tales each time Asra had them meet.

He only realized something was amiss when she started showing up at outings planned for just the two of them. Asra would invite him for breakfast, and she'd be sitting at a table set for three at the restaurant; Julian would plan a romantic night on the town, and she would mysteriously be waiting at the bar of the pub they planned to start at. Oh, they fought horribly about it—at first, Asra was understanding and reassuring. She was only a friend, he would say. Then his words became harsher, accusing Julian of imagining things, of being insecure, of being _suffocating_. God, did Julian hate that word. It became worse when Julian's identity as The Hanged Man, the modern-day Robin Hood accused of stealing various expensive treasures from nobles and aristocrats all over town, was compromised. Asra stayed away more, invited him over less; Julian understood he'd put him in a difficult position, dating a criminal while he had his detective career to worry about. He had his own apprehensions when he first met Asra at a mutual friend's party, but despite all reason, he just couldn't stay away from him.

What was harder to forgive were the weeks of no communication before Asra would blow into Julian's hideout, apologies and pretty words on his lips as they made love. The smell of perfume on his shirt that sometimes accompanied his appearances. The repeated cycle of these exchanges when Asra finally left Julian's side after a few days of being wrapped up in each other. It was hard to forgive, but not impossible. Julian would put it all behind them if Asra would just stop running and work with him. All he had to do was let them be happy together the way Julian knew they could be.

But that was before. The situation had changed; he was now on the other end of Asra's service-issued Colt. He had been thrown away for the umpteenth time, and Asra was more concerned about _her_ and she wasn't even there.

Julian was tired. So very, very tired. Asra had him wrapped around his little finger from the moment they met, but the bliss only lasted for a moment before their relationship morphed into something ugly. It had been years of being jerked around by him, and Julian didn't know how much more he could take.

Sirens wailed in the distance; they were getting closer.

"I have eyes, Asra. That homewrecking bitch—"

"Don't you talk about her like that!" Asra bellowed, advancing a few steps toward him. The latter just chuckled and gradually rose to stand. "It's not fucking funny, Ilya! Take it back!"

Julian tipped his head back to stare up at the stars, swaying on his feet. "Oh, but it is, my love. It's hysterical. How you've made a fool of me for all these years is comedy to the highest degree."

Asra's expression remained unmoved. "You did that to yourself, Ilya."

He nodded slowly and dipped his head under the guise of running a hand through his hair, allowing the wetness in his eyes to overflow once again. "What have you done to us?" he moaned, his voice merely a whisper. Words simply did not exist to describe the dull pain coursing through his body at the finality this exchange carried. This wasn't like the other times—Julian could not do this anymore.

But could he live without Asra in his life? He didn't think he could; once one was able to bask in Asra's light, it was difficult to ever want to leave. When he looked at him like he was the only other person in the world, Julian felt light. He loved himself because someone like Asra loved him. At least, he'd thought he loved him, if not only at the beginning. No matter; Asra had set him straight now. He was wrong. He was used. He was nothing to him, and nothing at all.

Julian's eyes shifted to watch the way the wind rustled Asra's snowy locks as he contemplated his next actions. Jail or death? Which fate suited him best? If she was in one of the approaching cop cars, Julian would prefer the latter. Just as he moved to take a step forward, the image of watery blue eyes staring up at him and thick tears rolling down freckled cheeks flashed in his mind.

_Ilyushka..._

He rubbed his burning eyes in an attempt to stave off the fresh batch of tears beginning to pool. What was he thinking? This could not be his end; he had a little sister to care for. Taking in a deep, shuddering breath, Julian gathered the strength to do what he should have done a long time ago as the sirens drew nearer.

"Okay," he began, unable to hide the way his words quaked. "Alright, Asra, I get it. I understand now."

Asra appeared to relax but kept his gun trained on him. "Good. Please, just come along quietly."

He continued as if Asra hadn't spoken. "I loved you. You know I wanted you, more than anything. I would have sacrificed everything for you, even those most important to me."

"Ilya—"

  
"But now I see that you never felt the same for me. You couldn't have. You broke me down over these last few years, and I know I am not perfect, but no more. If you do not want me, you cannot have me. I will no longer play the whore on the side, hopelessly in love, that you can have whenever the thought strikes you." He swallowed, taking a step back toward the water. "I genuinely hope you're happy. I still love you and only want the best for you, and I know that's not me. We'll end things here if that's what you want. For good this time." Asra's eyes widened as Julian continued backing away. "But please, after I turn my back on you—"

"Ilya!"

"—stay the fuck away from me."

A gunshot rang out as he turned and ran to the pier's edge, and one more just as he dove into the water. Whether Asra missed on purpose or not, he would never know. The cool water caressed his skin, bringing relief and dousing the fire in his heart. Instead, a different kind of flame ignited within him. He didn't know how yet, but he would live for himself. Not for Asra, not for his sister, not for anyone else but himself; the will to keep breathing and put one foot in front of the other had to be his own. He swam for the island around the bend where he kept his second dwelling hidden deep within a cave. He would lay low there for a time, and begin to pick up the pieces of his broken spirit.

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously inspired by [Tyler, the Creator's "A BOY IS A GUN*"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JQDPjpfiGw) (iykyk). Comments are welcome and appreciated!


End file.
